Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
