Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
