RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize