Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
