My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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