i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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