how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
