hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
