highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When are your genitals available?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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