I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize