Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
