meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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