i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
where are you?
Hypothermia
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
