btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize