i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
