i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
