I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
