It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
