I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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