i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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