i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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