I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
