Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize