life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
