The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
