Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
