i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
