I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
