In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
