I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
