Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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