Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
