If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
