Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
