So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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