I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
