i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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