do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
