The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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