nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
