discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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