Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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