the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
