I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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