I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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