It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
