I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So much rum. So many feels.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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