I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
