just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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