The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
