It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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