got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
