Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
