I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
