dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
