What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
